"Good evening welcome to..."

The thing with working in a restaurant is you have to stay calm...like really fucking calm. Now if you know me, you know that is virtually impossible. I've been working nights at what can be classified as a "fine dinning" establishment for over 2 years now. At first it was for extra loot to help save for my daughter before and after she was first born while i worked days doing construction and then sitting on my ass for the State. But low and behold the 8 headed serpent God i pray to had another plan and has since left me with just the night gig to get the bills paid and the food on the table. None the less, the job has opened my eyes to the different levels of customer's there are out there, and not even just customers-but people, humans, HOMO sapiens as you might refer to them as. Now, I'm not going to vent all my frustration out and banter the piss out of a topic none (the few) of you want to read about, BUT for my own well being I'll list the following which are in my mind some "rules" you might want to consider the next time you are dinning out.

1. Don't ever say "Oh waiter!" to get your server's attention, the red "this person's a prick" flag will go immediately up and you'll be d-listed even before you get your meal. We have names, learn it.
2. Have an idea of what you want to drink before you sit down. When you stare at the wine list for 3 minutes trying to figure out if you like red or white wine better I'm standing next to you wasting someone elses time waiting for the order.
3. Order what's on the menu. If "Steak Au Pauvre" isn't on the menu-we dont have it and it pisses off the kitchen. The longer you make up some obscure dish in your brain that isnt listed in front of you the longer everyone else at your table will stay not fed. The same goes for drink orders as well, your cosmo-neopolitiny with grapefuit vodka and candy corn rim sucks to make.
4. (Refer to #3) Don't piss off the kitchen. I'm not sure if you have ever gotten a good look at who and what is making your food back there behind those swinging doors. These people are to be feared and respected. Think neck tattoos and a reason to flip the fuck out-not pretty.
5. Remember that one time you and 5 of your friends decided to go "grab a bite to eat" at 7pm on a Friday or Saturday night without making a reservation? Yeah, well it's time to GROW UP. Most of the patrons have called ahead and your large "walk in" party is either going to wait 30-45 minutes or will have to eat some where else. I dont care if your Mayor McCheeseDick's Lawyer-call ahead, we appreciate it more than your tiny brain can fathom.
6.Read the sign on the door-if it says "Open @ 5:30pm" - we open at 5:30pm, NOT 5pm. If you show up early you will be listening to Big Daddy Kane instead of Frank Sinatra.
7. Well done steaks and fish are gross. don't order them.
8. Wait for your server to tell YOU the specials of the evening. RELAX, don't ask about the Pesce or Risotto while your are walking to the table, you will hear about them I promise.
9. If the air conditioner is on it's because its summer time-and your server sweats because he or she is working, you are not. Don't ask to turn it down. Same goes for the winter-it's cold out-enjoy the heat dummy.
10. Finally -Closing time means everyone around you who is working would like to go home or sit down and maybe have a chance to get black out drunk, don't sit at your table after you pay your bill and chit chat about how "Steph" or "Eric" are doing in law school.

-So there you go. If you can handle these little side notes and just enjoy your evening out without pissing off the people who make/prepare/and serve your food and drinks I assure you that your night will go a hell of alot better. This is a job-it's not rocket science, but it's still a job that helps support people's lives and families. I will leave you with an old Cuddlesmarket video to refer to, enjoy and tip well.